Surviving the Holidays, Part 3: Emotional Boundaries

I live in Oakland, minutes from San Francisco and the area is full of financially successful young people who work very hard throughout the year.  Of course, it’s a huge metropolitan area, so that is not every person.  But many of my clients and neighbors are twenty- and thirty-somethings, driven by their career, sometimes unmarried and without children.  The holidays are pretty quiet around here because the days off mean that many people leave town to see their extended family, often who are far away.  As the new year begins, I have many of these young professionals filling my office to start a new year and create a newer, healthier self.  It is within that context that I know this to be true: heading home as a young adult to be with your parents and family over the holidays can be difficult.  This blog post is to address how to deal with those challenges.

1. Don’t try to force them to understand

Imagine that every Thursday you carry two heavy bags of laundry to the laundrymat and spend a good 2.5 hours waiting for them to be cleaned.  Your sister who owns a large single family home with her own washer and drier is not going to comprehend.  There are challenges to living in the city, the cost of living, the pressures of a young professional that may be too hard for family to understand.  Maybe invite that relative out another time of the year and offer to do your normal Thursday routine with their help!  But for the holidays, remind yourself that your life is very culturally different from your family of origin and it’s okay if they don’t have empathy and are not curious about that part of your life.

2. Don’t live into old, negative self narratives

Sometimes when we are around our family of origin we fall right back into the trap of the same family roles.  For a person who was always rejected and the “black sheep” they might notice more than other family members how they are not included in conversations or outings.  When we attune to these negative family narratives, our brains pay more attention to them, and the narratives are again confirmed as true.  It can be as simple as the following positive self talk: I’m not a little kid anymore, I am a confident, successful, creative adult who has a lot to look forward to!  

3. Do try to listen, be curious, learn about something new, try something you haven’t done before

Try to strike up a conversation with your sibling about a topic you have never discussed.  Go to a store that has opened since you have not lived at home and see if you can find someone who doesn’t look like a typical stereotype of your home town, smile at them!  Try to ask more questions about a topic that seems like an old one and find out more than you have in the past.  I’ll give you some examples:

“What music are you into these days, Michelle?  I started listening to Lizzo and Lake Street Dive this year (talk more about how they’re similar, different, inspiring, what moods they’re good for, how you heard about them, etc).  What music have you been inspired by in the last couple of years?” [new topic]

Invite your relative to go to new store or café in town, keep an eye open for interesting things as if you were on vacation there and learning about the city for the first time.  It might be fun to see an old place/group of people through the light of a new space.  Perhaps being in that space with someone from your family will inspire a new tradition or a fun conversation. [new experiences]

 4. When emotions are high, use your tools to calm down and stay in your adult Self

You may need to go for a walk, head to bed a little earlier than the rest of the group, or call a friend from home and connect with them.  Remind yourself that you are able to go if you need to, you are an adult, not a child who is stuck and has no autonomy.  I will write more in the coming weeks on how to stay in your adult Self and not revert to the emotional reactivity or childlike responses that might be commonplace for you, especially during the holidays.

If you would like to talk more about how to navigate the holidays with a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, feel free to email me at emilychandlerlmft@gmail.com.  I look forward to working together!