Surviving the Holidays, Part 2: Creating a Calendar that Reflects Values and Self Care

Is it typically hard for you to stay under the same roof as your family of origin?  Do you bicker about small things like meal planning, what activities to do, or who is going to drive?  Do you find that there are personalities that are different (loud/quiet, fast paced/low key, activity oriented/laissez faire) and those differences grate on you over time?

You may have a family myth that sounds like this:

• “If you don’t spend time with your family then you don’t value us at all anymore.”

• “If you don’t stay with us when you are in town then you don’t really love us.”

• “Holidays are meant to spend with your family—you can’t miss a year!”

• “If you stay with your in laws then you must like them better than you like us.”

These are family myths and sometimes family myths can be toxic.  Your family myths may be similar to the ones above or maybe they are really different.  You may desperately want those myths to change but sometimes they are quite difficult to change on your own.  Rather than confronting family members about this, you may want to determine what you are able to do without feeling resentful.

If you say:

Mom, why do you always demand we spend a full week together over Christmas?  We all get tired, argumentative, and cranky.  We should change that family rule!

You might get confrontation back:

“Sam, you’re so ungrateful.  Maybe I should uninvite you this year!”

Or you might get denial back:

“Sam, everything is fine.  I don’t know why you make such a big deal out of everything.”

Ideally, at this point, before anything goes on the calendar and commitments are made, sit down with a journal for 15 -20 minutes.  Write about what works and what doesn’t work, what makes you feel connected with, and maybe what you dread the most. Let these topics inspire your journaling:

Journal Prompt #1:

-Write about a time in the past that was connecting and meaningful way to be with your family over the holidays.  What did you love about it?  Maybe it was unstructured playful fun, like a snowball fight that got really creative and rowdy and that was really inclusive.  That doesn’t mean you have to meet in a place that has snow, but consider what those elements are (circle them in your journal).  For the above example they are playful, fun, active, rowdy, and inclusive.  If you’re going to a place that doesn’t have snow maybe you can bring a football and propose a game one afternoon to anyone who wants to get outside.  If you can, write down what idea or ideas you have for this year to make a new tradition that plays on those elements that you just circled.  If you’re really excited about it, my hope is that others will join in and share that excitement with you, even if everyone isn’t into it.

Journal Prompt #2:

-What if you had all of the people that you love around for just four hours?  Who would be there?  What one simple thing could you do together if you could only do one thing?  Consider inviting those people to join you if it’s possible --- perhaps you will have a few new faces around the table this year.  I would have a smaller group so we could have more intimate conversation and if I could only do one thing it would be to eat a warm, simple, homemade meal with wine that kept us at the table for hours.  Maybe there could be some candles and some good music later in the evening too.  

Journal Prompt #3:

-Are there people or situations that are unsafe that you need to avoid? Are there events that seem optional that you can skip to recharge and do something on your own?

Journal Prompt #4:

-What kind of practices do you have at home daily/weekly? Consider your total wellbeing (spiritual, physical, emotional). What things do you want to make sure you do every day while you are with your family over the holidays?

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Once you have reviewed your family myths, your core values, and journaled about what you would love to happen this holiday, let’s talk about planning for the reality of being with family over the holidays.

You know you’re not gong to be confrontational with family in a way that is too harsh.  You are going to set good boundaries and only do what you are truly able to do without feeling steamrolled, unseen, or emotionally/physically exhausted. 

Breaking the family myths and traditions is hard work.  It’s hard to let go of all the “shoulds” we can put on ourselves regarding the holidays.  I’ll try some examples of how to talk to hosts/hostesses, planners, or parents about what you can commit to, even if it’s a little different than years past: 

“Why don’t we do a nice dinner on Christmas evening, maybe 4-5 hours of spending time together with food, music, and presents. Then we can go separate ways. I want to make time for you and I also want to make sure I don’t get overwhelmed and stressed out. I don’t think I can manage spending the night together like we have done in the past.”

“I can’t make it this year.  I would love to come for a 2-3 day stretch after December 29th but I’m committing to staying at home with [my partner/my kids/my roommate] on Christmas Day.  I’m sorry, I know this will be different for you than in past years.”

“I can come for December 24-26.  I know this is shorter than my usual trip.  Let’s try to spend a lot of time connecting. I really love it when we have a chance to make roasted duck, walk in the snow, and play lots of Yahtzee!”

My hope is that you are able to do what you have the capacity for and you are not stretching yourself because you feel forced or that your worth is dependent upon your compliance with the family expectations or traditions.  I think we falsely think that more time will mean more connection but sometimes the opposite is true.  So I hope that you have time with the ones you love and before you are exhausted, frustrated and emotionally worn down, you find that you are listening to your favorite tunes, driving or flying back to your home base and recharging again. Commit to checking in with this journal before you say “yes” to anything. You may even need a friend or therapist to talk to about this commitment and to hold you accountable to keeping your boundaries throughout the holiday.

Honor your needs, connect with the people you love, and speak up for the desires that you have (perhaps you’ll find some new faces to join you in your football or Yahtzee endeavor!).  If you want to talk to a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist about how to do this, email me at emilychandlerlmft@gmail.com.