Surviving the Holidays, Part 1: Intentional Spending
The holidays are around the corner. I am going to post a series of how to intentionally navigate the holiday season. I will use things that I have found work for me, my clients, and from authors that I have read in the mental health field in my eleven years of working as a Marriage and Family Therapist.
Part One: Intentional Spending
Make a budget that you feel comfortable with and stick to it. That means before you go to any store or shop online. This may not seem like a typical thing to hear from a Marriage and Family Therapist but surprisingly many of our conflicts with intimate partners are about money.
Sometimes we project feelings into objects or dollar amounts (“she’s my best friend, I have to give her something that’s really nice (maybe that’s $100, maybe it’s more)!”) Consider that many objects get thrown away at the end of the holiday season or quickly lose their attractiveness. A good friendship can exist without expensive objects. You may even want to address this before things become awkward by having a one-on-one with any people you feel you must perform for or compete with by saying
“hey, last year we did big gifts for each other, what do you think about doing a nice lunch together this year and giving each other the gift of time and connection?”
If you write your budget things down, it might shock you! If you’ve never made a budget for holiday expenses you may realize for the first time how much you really spend. Typical categories that I use are the following, although it will differ depending on religious and cultural traditions:
presents/stockings for family and close friends
hostess gifts (bottle of wine to bring to a party, homemade jars of granola, etc)
professional photos
holiday cards (printing, envelopes, cards, stamps)
wrapping paper/etc
new clothing for holiday events
tickets (plays, musicals, shows, etc)
Adopt - a - Family presents
tithing for end of year giving
classroom gifts (usually one per teacher and 2-3 others)
food for groups (making a nice cake for Christmas Eve church service and potluck)
Family holiday meals (might be a nicer meal with a smaller group like a cheese and olive plate, salmon, and veggies or one larger thing to bring to Thanksgiving for a group of 30 people)
Consider using the above categories as it fits for you. You can edit them to more accurately reflect your activities/traditions/values, add in ones that we don’t use, or scratch one or many items. But if you or your partner spend in that category, please do keep it. It’s unrealistic to scratch a line item and then later spend in that category without tracking it.
It might feel impossible to write these things out before spending any money. I encourage you to try.
COUPLES SETTING A HOLIDAY BUDGET TOGETHER
Talk with your partner about your budget ideally before either of you start spending. Perhaps there is one category that you relent on because she loves the Nutcracker so much but you can agree that you’ll skip sending out cards and getting any new clothes, shoes or jewelry from now until January 15th. When couples talk about setting a holiday budget, they should both be able to state realistic personal goals, talk calmly with their partner (I would give it 1.5 hour maximum because it can be really draining and stay on topic the whole time). This is key to getting to a final budget: both partners will probably need to compromise from their own personal ideal because most marriages are made up of two people that are unique and have unique ideas and perspectives. Cherish that in each other and learn to compromise even if it’s challenging.
ADVICE FOR FRUGAL PEOPLE
Maybe you’re frugal and your holiday budget amounts to $250 total or less with lots of categories scratched out intentionally. I can guarantee something will tempt you during the holiday season. Companies are so great at marketing! Kids are also great at asking for more and more. But if you have made these decisions (some people do it solo, if you are married I recommend doing it together), you can feel really great about that decision made in the peace of your own intentional budgeting time. Frugal people sometimes orient themselves toward money with fear, feeling secure when they have a big savings and feeling insecure when money is tight. Negative ways to talk about this might be to think of yourself as a tightwad, Grinch, or the one who “always says no.” If you are a parent or have a spouse you may have heard this from your loved ones. The hope I have in sharing this with you is that you have a safe space to talk about holiday budgets without going into that place of fear. You can share in those moments of saying “no” why you made that decision (“we really want Nutcracker tickets and that means that this year we’re not going to spend more than $40 on gifts for friends--- it’s hard but that’s what we’ve prioritized”). The end goal is that you feel safe and at the same time your partner and children can feel like you consider their needs and wants too.
ADVICE FOR SPENDERS
You’re reading this, so that’s great. It’s a start to think intentionally about budgeting for the holidays and having a conversation with your partner. Spenders are more likely to be pulled in by marketing: “if you buy this you will have a great holiday, your family will be so happy, your friend will feel so loved, etc.” If you feel a strong pull to make a purchase and you know it’s not in your budget, consider going home and giving it a 24 hour rule (or if it’s online 48 hour rule). Perhaps after the window is over you will have a different perspective: “oh I don’t really need to get that after all.” Or perhaps you do decide to make the purchase but you’ve looked at the numbers and can reduce in other categories or you feel okay increasing the budget (I’d recommend to set a limit to the number of times you can do this to 1-2 times, maximum).
Enjoy your holiday, remember it’s about the people. I hope that when it’s mid January you feel less guilt about the holidays because you ate, celebrated, purchased, enjoyed, and rested in a way that truly is intentional and life-giving rather than driven by guilt, over indulgence, or shame. Be well!
