How Do White Men Deal with Racial Issues?
Be aware that there is a problem.
You’re here, that’s the first step. Racial tension in the USA is a problem that was started by white colonial settlers and it can’t be (only) people of color that fix this. You agree with this premise, which is why you go to therapy about it, talk to a loved one, or search for an article like this.
Be aware that you’re a part of the problem.
When you appear in the world: in a cubicle, at the dinner table, or at church on a Sunday morning, you come as a white man. People see you as being a certain thing (and if they are one of your trusted people, you’ll have to ask them to find out what that entails). People may show this by yelling obscenities at you, not giving you grace where you feel you deserve it, or making assumptions about your personhood or history. It might be more subtle, glancing at you across the room and not being sure yet if you can be let in as a trusted colleague or friend.
If there is conflict, be explicit that you’re open to hearing what happened and what could have been done better.
If you and a coworker have a conflictual incident at work and they conclude that your reaction was unfair and the reason why is because you’re a white man, we have a lot to unpack. Take time to calm down so you’re not responding out of a place of rage or panic (this may take an hour or a day, it might look like breathing slowly or punching a punching bag). Then make sure to say “I’m here to listen. What happened from your perspective? What would you have liked to have happen instead? And what can be done to make you feel safe (or perhaps heard, represented, respected, etc) in the future?”
Make space for the other person's feelings.
One thing I have learned from dealing with couples that have conflicts: women do not need men to fix their problems. Come to the conversation with respect, listen to the feelings and thoughts that are shared, and push yourself to not jump to a solution. Be present in the complexity of this issue and the fact that it will not be resolved quickly. This is true of differences in race just like it is in differences between genders. Be present with the other person’s feelings and be confident enough to hold space for an experience that might be very different than yours.
Do ongoing work.
Meet with friends who are knowledgeable about racial conflict.
Join a book club about race and (insert any interest of your choice here). If you’re an educator, that might look like a book club about equitable teaching practices for Black boys in middle school.
Find interesting articles about race in America.
Know the numbers on how POC are impacted by the issues that are important to you (safety, housing, healthcare, education, family systems, adoption, transportation, etc). For example, “In Oakland, Black residents account for over half of the asthma-related emergency room visits by children under five years old, even though they make up only about 20% of the city's population under five, according to a 2018 report by the Alameda County Public Health Department” (January 2022). Clean air is important for our health and it’s something I deeply care about for myself and for the world. It’s important for me to know as an Oakland resident that it disproportionately impacts my Black neighbors, especially children five and under.
If you would like to do personal therapy to work on these issues in more depth, contact me regarding therapy services (you must be a current resident of California).
