Book Review for Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life
I’m a busy working parent like many of my clients. I work early mornings and one long day which means most afternoons after school I am at home with my kids doing snacks, homework and yes, breaking up fights. Winter means we’re inside more and the 3:15pm release time at school allows for a lot of long moments at home navigating these repetitive arguments.
Recently I re-read a book I really enjoy called “Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life.” Who has time for reading? I know. I actually flipped the pages around until I found a great spot that I had read before. It’s so insightful and rich that I thought I would share it with you here and then provide some reflections and encouragement. This is two pages of a really great 305 page book so for those of you who love reading, I recommend picking it up and reading the rest. For those sleepy-eyed parents who are definitely not going to read the book in full, you can just enjoy my brief review here instead.
I wanted to know how to intervene during sibling fights and successfully coach my kids to create new patterns of relating. This was particularly helpful (found on page 121-122):.
Get between your kids to separate them and prevent further violence.
Help both kids feel safer so they can stop attacking. Use calm voice. Touch each child so they feel connected to you and safer.
If a child is hurt, comfort that child. Depending on how upset the kids are, you may need a cooling off period. She suggests to teach them to breath, don’t send them to their rooms.
Bring the children together and put an arm around each.
Give each child a chance to speak and reflect back what you heard.
Restate family rules.
Resist siding with either child, even when you think one is clearly right.
Coach each child to tell the other how she feels or what she wants.
If one child attacks the other, redirect him to express how he feels, not what he thinks of the other child.
Coach each child to restate how the other one feels.
Raise the possibility of repair. Author suggested “Brothers are for loving not hurting. What could you do to make things better?”
It was powerful me particularly to practice this throughout last week. I had an innate sense that I had a plan and that there was a way for us all to be peaceable, a great value of mine for our family. I think that’s a great setup, going into a situation feeling confident to deal with challenges and with tools in hand.
Did I do all 12 steps? No. Honestly, that’s too many to remember in the heat of the moment or at least it is for beginners with this tool. I did feel more encouraged to intervene, to give each a chance to speak, and to invite their sibling to repair the relationship. In the back of my mind I had some of the family rules and values informing me (i.e. be respectful and kind, use your words to ask for what you need, etc). I think my next step is to state those values explicitly to my children both during and outside of moments of conflict.
After I read this book, re-read this section, tried this at home, and wrote this blog, I found this. It’s a flow chart made by the author (see page two of document) for resolving sibling conflict. So if you are visual this may help you move through the steps in a concrete way even if emotions are high. I recommend printing it and putting it on your refrigerator.
Check out this book and my other books and resources listed on my resource page. Don’t hesitate to call (510-912-8559) to start therapy if you want to be a happier parent and guide your children into greater emotional intelligence.
